My Attorney Bernie

My Attorney Bernie
Words and Music by Dave Frishberg

I'm impressed, with my attorney Bernie
I'm impressed, with his influential friends
He's got very big connections
and I follow his directions
Bernie knows his way around
and so I always do what Bernie recommends.
I am blessed, with my attorney Bernie
I'm impressed, with the way he runs the store
He's got Dodger season boxes
and an office full of foxes
It's amazing all the different things
your average guy might need a lawyer for.

[Chorus:]
Bernie tells me what to do
Bernie always lays it on the line
Bernie says we sue, we sue
Bernie says we sign... we sign.

I'm in touch, with my attorney Bernie
In a clutch, he can speed right to the scene
and if I'm locked up in the jail
with just one phone call for my bail
he said to call his club collect
or deal directly with his answering machine

When I dine, with my attorney Bernie
He buys wine, from the rare imported rack
That's cause Bernie is a purist
not your polyester tourist
Bernie waves the glass around awhile
then takes a sip and always sends it back

[Chorus:]
Bernie tells me what to do
Bernie always lays it on the line
Bernie says we sue, we sue
Bernie says we sign... we sign.

I admire, my attorney Bernie
I admire, any guy who knows his stuff
Sure we blew a couple ventures
with a counterfeit debenture
But you win a few, you lose a few
and like Bernie says you keep on hanging tough

Thanks to you, my attorney Bernie
Thanks to you, I'm considered well-to-do
Sure I made out like a bandit
Just exactly like you planned it
But like Murray my accountant
told me yesterday, I owe it all to you.

[Chorus]
On the dotted line.

While the lyric is satirical and less than kind to Bernie and by association attorneys, I still like it because it speaks to what is going on in the relationship between the attorney and the client, which is where attorneys spend most of their time, rather than the communications between attorneys and adversaries or in court, where most people form their impressions of them.